After posting my advert for a nemesis in Sainsburys, my next task was vitally important to my role as an all-conquering super-hero… I needed an outfit. This isn’t an easy task to achieve, for a number of reasons:
i) your outfit needs to look cool
ii) you need to be able to change into it quickly and in confined spaces
iii) it needs to protect you
iv) you need some sort of logo to go on your outfit
v) it needs to be machine washable – you get all sorts of nasty stains in this line of work
vi) you need somewhere to keep emergency snacks
vii) spare pair of pants, just in case
Of course, you then have to take into account the type of materials, the style, the colour… theres so much to consider. In fact, there was so much to consider I was off work for three days with a migraine. And to make matters worse, when I got back into the office, Fatty Atkins had stolen my Britney calendar and eaten my crisps stash.
My first point of call for creating my super-hero outfit, was to see what materials I had at home. Other than a impressive supply of underpants, some old curtains that could be made into a cape and a colander that could be a helmet, I had nothing. So I did what all super-heroes do, I went to see my mum. She lent me a pair of tights, but they laddered when I pulled them over my head. And they hadn’t been washed. And, as she pointed out, they were supposed to be worn on my legs, under my choice of underpants.
Taking the packed lunch she made me, I headed home. When I got home, things went from bad to worse. Not only did I not have a super-hero outfit, but Bollard my cat was wearing his own outfit:
Little bastard. There was only one option left: Google. So one quick search later, I stumbled upon the holy grail of super-hero outfitters: http://www.superherosupplies.com/
The choice was amazing. I ordered my outfit, complete with “pure silk” cape, and was about to place my order when I realised I’d forgotten one vitally important item – my certificate of Super-Heroism. You can’t be a true super-hero without a certificate, so I added that to my cart and proceeded to checkout. £589 later all was ordered. Delivery was expected in a couple of weeks due to shipping from America. That gave me time to find the perfect nemesis.
I have now received the items. Here is my certificate to prove I am a real super-hero:
The outfit fitted perfectly, although it was slightly tight around the buttocks. No sooner had I put it on, than the phone started to ring….